A Cut And Paste Guide To Avoiding The Comedy Student Temptress

I get it, teachers. When you’re in a position where people less experienced than you, think you

are the bees knees, (I MEAN, HE WAS ON TOURCO AND COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN

MY CAREER!), when they relentlessly pursue you for sexual favors - well, you’re in a bind.

Sure, they pay you to teach them, and that comes with some ethical considerations, but they

are ADULT students. Surely, you and this budding pro can make a good decision together,

without the interference of HR, whether or not you bang in the faculty bathrooms?

And yet, that ETHICAL thing keeps nagging you. More to the point, you don’t want to be like that

guy(SSSSS) in LA who got outed by half the female comedy population for being a relentless

abuser. So - here’s your cut and paste info for situations that often arise when that sweet chunk

of ‘get me in your bed’ starts coming for your reputation:

1. When they ask for your cell number: What to do? The last time a student got your digits,

probably not from you, they relentlessly texted you about your package. Going forward, CUT AND PASTE:

“I don’t give my cell phone out to students, but you can always reach me at my the professional

email the school just recently, and wisely, provided. It’s a great place for you to reach me about

class concerns and questions.” (No professional school email? Make a separate account on

your own - just out of propriety.)

2. When they grab your dick/tit under the table at a local bar: Man, this is a tough one. Try this CUT AND PASTE:

“I don’t want to be touched by you that way. Please stop or I’ll need to have you removed from

my class.”

3. When they invite you into their apartment after class: Jeez, all you were doing was making

sure they got home safely! Clearly, your intentions have been misconstrued. Here’s a great CUT AND PASTE:

“Thanks for the offer - I have my own apartment to get back to. Have a nice night, student!

4. When they ask you for help with their career in a super sexy way: Boy oh boy. Even YOU

didn’t make Main Stage. What can you possibly do to improve the performance chances of this

super hot vixen? CUT AND PASTE:

“I can only help your career by teaching you well. Keep working hard. Don’t get messed up with

people who hurt you, or tell you there’s an easy path. Keep taking classes at high integrity

institutions, and do the work like a pro. Then, hope the producers who actually make the

decisions about who goes forward, like what you have to offer. Now, get a good night sleep, and

I’ll see you next week - don’t forget your assignment!”

Now, sometimes the unexpected happens. That student is someone you are really attracted to.

They are smart, and funny, and not THAT much younger than you! Put this CUT AND PASTE on your bathroom mirror:

“This is an 8 week class. If they continue, I’m looking at maybe 6 months tops before I can ask

him/her out. I can wait that long to keep my career, and reputation, intact. Besides, by then

they’ll have some perspective on me, understand my true lack of power, and won’t just be

chasing me because they think I can help them get on a team. This is the right thing to do.”

And as always, if you find yourself continually harassed, talk to your department head and file a

complaint. Don’t wait, and don’t be ashamed. You have the right to feel safe in your classroom -

period.