Dear Perpetrator #1: I'm Better Off Without You

Dear Perpetrator, Three years now almost, you've been a black cloud over my head in some way. When we first met in [comedy] class I thought you were everything and fell for you instantly. I spent the next few years wondering why no matter what I did it never seemed to be good enough for you. I always took that on blame and anguish for myself. I stuffed down so many times my intuition said something wasn't right, because I cared so much for you to give you the benefit of the doubt. I allowed myself to be repeatedly abandoned and I still went back, more than once. Now I know that every intuition I had about you was correct, no matter how much you gaslighted me. It feels amazing to see you now for what you are. To know that I was right the whole time, and that you're a fraud. Pulling the same old shit, using the same verbatim excuses. I feel freer now than I have in forever. I really hope you figure these things out for your own sake as well as everyone else's, but it's obvious to me now that you are not going to change. If anything, the work you claimed to be doing on yourself now seems to have just given you a "pass" to continue. Your behavior is so revolting that honestly I just feel embarrassed for you. And embarrassed for me, for falling for it for so long, and doubting myself so much. For accepting your guilt trips and your insults and your shaming. For trying to be things I'm not and doing things I wasn't comfortable with, just to try to make you happy. For continuously giving you the benefit of the doubt when it was literally killing me and when I knew deep-down you didn't deserve it. For taking on all of your shit and blaming myself for it. For spending days alone in tears hacking at my wrists doping myself to sleep with wine and benadryl rather than let myself see that I didn't need to be with someone who made me feel so unsafe and so incredibly alone. For giving you so much power over me. For trying to forget the night that I tried to say no. For feeling badly about telling you not to contact me, when the whole time you were trying to draw me back in you had a girlfriend and at least one side-chick. You are so fucking gross. Those poor women deserve so much better. It kills me knowing that while I have been "polite" and "considerate" and kept my mouth shut, you have changed nothing, and simply kept doing what you have always done. I hope that they have friends who will help them heal from whatever you are putting them through. If they want me there, then I will be there for them when you have sucked them dry and tossed them out like you've done to so many. I will not protect you anymore. Fear of you made me stop going to almost all the [comedy] theatres, and lose touch with so many of my friends. I felt like I wasn't allowed to be there if you were. That me being there would hurt you in some way. But there is nothing hurtful about simply refusing to disappear, and I'm done staying home. It's not really about you at all. Though if you didn't treat people so terribly, you wouldn't have to be so concerned about who's going to become friends with who, or who's going to show up to what. If you want people to be more considerate of your feelings, then perhaps consider theirs, and treat them better. I am angry for them, but for myself I'm not so much angry as just completely, finally, blissfully indifferent to you. I am so much better off without you. As horrible as being abandoned again was, the panic attacks and the crippling anxiety stopped after that, so it's pretty clear what the real problem was. In fact, you ultimately ghosting me might be the only truly kind thing you ever did for me. You came so close to destroying me, and now I have my life back. I wouldn't give that up for anything. I am closing that chapter for good, writing better stories, tearing out this heavy bed, seeing a new moon in the sky. From now on I will not think of you again. I'm free.

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This letter was submitted anonymously by a woman in the comedy community to her perpetrator who is part of our comedy community - a teacher. If you would like to submit an anonymous letter to your perpetrator to our blog -- click here.

#harassment #womenincomedy #comedy #femalecomic #teacher