Women Vs. Women - The Misogyny in Our Own Comedy Playground

Why is SHE successful?

She only gets cast because she's pretty.

I can't stand her.

SHE probably made up the harassment for attention.

She is trying to make money as a comedian and that is shameful.

Stacia? Ugh, yeah I hate her. (Ten minutes later) Oh HI Stacia, you look amazing, so excited for your shows....

Who does she think SHE is?

SHE's a woman with a different skin color than MINE so she doesn't get it. I won't support her.

Why is the media covering HER show and not MY show? I deserve it. SHE doesn't.

SHE's not even talented.

YOU don't like her? Well I've never talked to her but in that case, I won't work with her.

blah blah, mother *****ing internalized misogyny blah.

These are just a handful of examples (tame and mild ones I might add) of comments that we as women in the comedy world make behind each other's backs, on social media, and face to face about one another. And we know the immediate hatred and seething jealousy can run deep in a world filled with insecurity and egos - a place where we are all vying to prove that we are "good enough".

Let's be real - most of us come from a house where the childhood wasn't Leave it To Beaver. Most of us are in this industry because somewhere along the line - we learned to be funny to make up for some other inadequacy.

Many of us want acceptance, attention, validation. But instead of giving that to each other - we hit our woman to woman community with scorn, hate, vengeance, and a laundry list of unwarranted and misplaced fire - which makes the future of coming together bleak at times.

You don't have to go much further than some of these closed facebook groups to see the in depth and vicious attacks.

And, let's be honest, we all have blood on our hands.

When we tell each other that YOUR experience as a woman pales in comparison to MY experiences as a woman. YOUR success should not be due because MINE hasn't come yet. MY concerns about being a woman are more valid than YOURS. MY way is the right way. MY life has been harder than yours. YOU don't understand. MY feminism is the right kind of feminism. MY comedy is the right kind of comedy. MY color trumps your color. MY heartache trumps your heartache. MY anger trumps your existence. When we MY, MY, MY all the way home - we're not going to have a home to go home to.

MY and YOUR does not equal OURS. And we need to stop the woman to woman misogyny so we can get OURS.

I think one of the hardest parts about shifting this mentality as a woman is that we have been culturally conditioned to be pitted against one another for so long. So, athough it's 2016, we continue to thrive on beating each other down. We let jealousy, anger, ego, insecurity, pride, and our own motives get in the way of seeing the greater good --- which is that we ALL want to laugh, to make others laugh, to say something about the world, and to have our voices heard. We ALL have lived as women. And we ALL have a lot in common with that experience alone.

Imagine what we could accomplish if we focused on what we have in common. Imagine being capable of putting our differences aside long enough to respect each other as human beings, and as women who have shared a number of similar experiences. Imagine if we each took a second before we said something negative about another woman and wondered if it was helpful? If we rooted the real issue and where the comments or feelings were coming from? Were they warranted? Were they really about her, or about our own passionate grievances against the world? And, would it be better to just call that woman and be an adult, talk to her about our upset, and resolve it? Or even discuss it to a point where we could agree to disagree?

Imagine what we could then accomplish together if we focused our energy on what we have in common, instead of what we don't. If we focused on trying to listen and understand each other instead of bullying and berating. Instead of dividing. Instead of complaining about the women who stand up to do something- but then not doing anything ourselves. Action is what creates change. Coming together is what creates change.

The longer we decide to be divisive, the longer and harder the struggles we share will be.

Every time I see a woman discredit another woman in our comedy community who she doesn't know - has never worked with - and has made assumptions about - my heart dies a little. When will we learn to stop lumping women into tiny little boxes? Judging a book by its cover? When will we stop saying vicious things behind each other's backs like we are in 7th grade, and then smiling to each other's faces? When will we stop attacking women we don't even know? When will we learn to start forming our own fact based opinions from true information gathering rather than trusting hearsay?

I think the best advice around this is eloquently summed up by one of the "A Love Letter To Myself" letter readers, Megan Goldish, a Cook County judge in Chicago. She said in the close of her letter:

"...And finally Megan, remember this: Don't judge me until you know me. Don't underestimate me until you challenge me. And don't talk about me until you talk to me.—I don't know who said it, but I’m guessing it's a woman who was once a young girl - just like you."

Every time I see a woman cut down another woman because of her own inherent biases or anger toward a system of oppression - it's straight up misogyny - and it's misguided. How does that help us? It doesn't. So the next time you're thinking of hating another woman. Maybe take a minute to ask yourself - is this kind? Is this necessary?

While all the hot button discussion surrounding harassment in our community was surfacing in the press, some of this woman to woman internalized misogyny reared its ugly head in big ways, and it is still lingering.

During this time, many of the women who spoke up across the country were villainized for giving issues a voice. Women In Comedy in particular received harsh backlash, but at the same time also received several emails in support - reminding us to stay true to our vision and our mission and to continue doing the work we are here to do. Other comments from some of the women in our own community were not so kind.

Our mission statement is to empower, connect, and advocate for the women in our community, the women seeking and carrying out careers in this industry. But, the woman to woman misogyny makes things like that get lost, it divides us, and it makes it harder for strides to go forward. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

We are hopeful for the future, and believe that we all want the same things even if we disagree on how to go about getting there. Some of us believe in tough love. Some of us believe in support.

We will leave you with a letter of support and hope that every woman will start coming from that place. Being willing to put aside differences to realize that misogny is not the answer.

FROM ANONYMOUS:

"I wanted to say that I was aware of some of the backlash on Facebook and for me it was very disturbing to see. I'd recently been off of Facebook for three years for a variety of reasons (mainly because I have no 'off' switch and can somehow lose an hour of my day to the beast) but I came back to it once I started getting involved in improv/stand up as a means to find out about opportunities and shows I'd be interested in checking out. So when I first received my invite to the Women in Comedy group I was so thankful to see that such a community exists. And to then discover Women of Color in Comedy was an added bonus to my feed.

Not to make this too dramatic, but I was thoroughly depressed by what I saw happening on the Women in Chicago Improv board. It was debilitating to see so many women come out against the event and org and try to villify your motives, especially women that I was acquainted with or that I had seen perform and respected. I am a victim of brutal bullying in my past, and I couldn't help but feel that this was all it was, and I was just so disappointed in these adults and that Facebook board for allowing that type of dialogue to ensue. I guess more than anything it made me realize that the battle is still very much an uphill one, and that a large part of it really is calling out the internalized misogyny that exists within our own gender.

The Friday before Love Letter I went to an open mic. I convinced my female friend to come with me and do a set. I've only been able to convince her one other time to do stand up, so this was a big step for her (she happens to be one of the FUNNIEST people that I know). We got there two minutes before six and people were already lining up to sign up for spots. Of the 30 available spots, three were filled by women. By the second hour it became very apparent that the host wasn't even following the list, and my friend and I, the only WOC in the entire bar had endured hours of extremely sexist and racist material to a point where she couldn't take it anymore and left. I talked to the host to make sure he would call our names, but by then it was too late. She had already made up her mind to leave. So I sat there alone, the only woman at that point, waiting to be called up there. So, yeah, I have the strength to do an all male open mic, but it definitely was a hellish nightmare and I couldn't wait to be done with it and I don't blame my friend for opting out either.

So to say that an all female, safe space is unnecessary just drives me up the wall, tbh.

The world needs alternative spaces and communities, always and forever (or at least until they can just be considered the norm and not even so radical, aka when the patriarchy finally falls apart). To have the experience on Tuesday that was so counter to my previous Friday night may not have been "necessary" or "realistic" in a seasoned stand up's POV, but for me it let me focus on hope rather than the bitter knot that was forming in my soul all weekend. It reminded me why I'm an idealist, and why I'm drawn to other people who are as well."

Thank you for this letter and many of the other letters of support.

We hope that the women of our communities can continue to be idealists and to believe in the good in every man and woman. That we will think before we post malicious things attacking other women on message boards, in person, behind each other's backs.

Get to know each other. Love Each other. Respect each other. Your commonalities far outnumber your differences. And the sooner we can recognize and embrace that, the farther we can all go together.

Don't judge me until you know me. Don't underestimate me until you challenge me. And don't talk about me until you talk to me.

#misogyny #womenincomedy #harassment